Drunk Rant #1

Happiness; a state of well-being and contentment, a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Words seem so simple when you break them down to their most basic simplistic form don’t they? But how many of us achieve true happiness in our lives. I’d be lying to say I have been completely happy with my life, and I’m betting you would be a liar if you said so as well.

            My life’s nothing terrible; don’t get me wrong I am not complaining there are far worst options out there. But why must I not complain just because something could be worse? isn’t there always a worst option from something so sought after? Seems pretty stupid to me not complain. Now don’t take me telling you to complain as a golden ticket to bitch your feelings over Facebook, we have enough posts about how so and so is a back stabber, and how you hate fake people. Set down the key board and fucking think for a bit people. I am starting to think intellectuals are a dying breed, and that stupidity is the new trend. What happened to people having their own opinions, why can we not think outside the box anymore? Since I was a child exposure to creativity has always been there, what happened as we aged, why does everyone fit into a category now, republicans, democrats, emos, whores, gay, do we even know what these terms originally meant when they originated? Our youth these days don’t understand politics much so please stop pretending, and keep in mind republican, democrat or a liberal these are just groups of people who share similar ideas, you don’t have to support every thought they share, you are capable of think for yourself. Emos, being emotional and thinking no one understands you is just silly, during my generation’s high school years students tagged under the oppression of the term “emo” willing or dubbed contained a good portion of our school, you are not misunderstood or alone, you probably have more friends than most popular kids.

These days who isn’t a whore? And what does whore even mean anymore? You have Facebook whores, texting whores, gaming whores, I mean how easy is it to toss the word whore into someone’s top 5 words that describe them best.  It’s almost as easy to use as the term gay, gay no longer is about being homosexual it’s a common reference for being stupid, retarded, slow, not cool etc., but why am I telling you these things?

            If you haven’t noticed by now I ask a lot of questions, if you think the amount of questions I ask just in this bit of typing is bad imagine if you could see my thought process. I imagine or at least hope a few of you could comprehend what I’m talking about but we’ll never know for sure. My mind works at the speed of light, and constantly wants to know answers for everything. Though I have few and my answers on most things are very rational and probably don’t match up with many people’s ideas. Just to give you the heads up now while you still might not have figured it out, I’m super rational and I’m super realistic. I am Realrationalistic. Yeah it’s made up, so what? I like to think about every possible answer for complex questions and factor in every equation so I have a better understanding and a better judge on the topic. So without further ado, below are going to be my ramblings on the many random unordered, organized cluster fuck of thoughts I have or that come to my head as I type.
Leeeettttssss GGGooooooooo....

First I suppose to maintain some order on these rambles I should continue my rant on happiness for it’s a big topic of late. I am an unhappy person, I won’t hide it, I’m depressed I hate my life and what I have let it become, turns out as much as I rarely regret things I’m starting to wish I had had a little more push and drive to have changed things in the past, thankfully I am still young and having released that I am unhappy I have some time to fix things to the way I like. Now when you read that I just wrote that I’m depressed you’re going to probably think of a completely different form of depression, I’m not the guy who goes around whining about life or complaining I wish I made these changes, I did what I did I know I can’t help that now, and life is what it is, it’s my problem not yours, people who are depressed and refuse to accept it and bring everyone else down with it are no fun to be around, I don’t want to be that person. Let me state now that these ramblings are the jumbled thoughts in my brain and as I type these sentences I myself will hopefully figure out what I have been trying to comprehend in my head these last few weeks as I have been attempting to figure this out, it’s the good ole’ write-down-your-ideas-on-paper-to-make-them-make-sense-because-your-drasticly-confused-idea. So to start, I suppose I should name the things that make me feel unhappy. Let me begin with I don’t like how I’m perceived today and the reputation I have built around myself. I have always distanced myself from others and put up more wall or barrier to keep people out. I also am very witty and quite good at using the defense mechanism of sarcasm to keep people at bay. I’m and asshole and I am very good at being one, and frankly I enjoy it far too much. I wouldn’t change that one bit, I’m not sure if I could if I tried, I need to cut back on it sure, but it’s a part of who I am, and it comes so naturally it would be a shame to toss it to the side after all these years. Though believe it or not, I used to be a ridiculously nice kid, I’m not really sure what to blame. It was up until about 8^th grade when I lurked a little more on the evil side, A lot of things happened and 8^th grade was kind of my transition maturity point, My parents got divorced, I was heavily reliant on marijuana, High school was around the corner and my middle school split my friends down the middle. I think it kind of worked in the fashion that when my parents divorced I relieved that I needed to take care of myself and that my trust for people close to me was broken. I became majorly self-sufficient and looked out for myself before anyone else. My parents’ divorce really didn’t hit me like it should have hit a “normal” kid. I didn’t cry, I think I had one melt down because of my psycho mother and I didn’t tell anyone. I remember this kid in my grade who parents got separated about the same time mine did and HE came to school crying and went to a counselor and made a huge deal and through a pity party over it. I am sure people don’t intentionally do it on purpose but I think it’s a natural thing for people to try and get other people’s reactions and gain attention when we can, it’s why children cry from birth, its why we post the stupid shit no one cares about on Facebook its natural to want attention and the bigger the issue the more we want to voice it. I remember then and there telling myself I didn’t want to be that way; I kept my problems to myself. Though now thinking about it, I think I was already on this path since I was young, I don’t have any family other than my mom and dad and even then they hardly where around for me to build the relationship of “I tell my parents everything”. I love my parents they did well in raising me and I know it kills them because they question it sometimes, but they were not able to be around because they both worked so much to make a living for me and them to maintain a decent life and have a place to live. Mom, Dad, you’ll probably never read this, and I know I never say it, but I do love you guys. But I grew up being dependent on no one but myself, and I think it may sound boastful or prideful but it made me mature far too quickly for such a young age. Which didn’t help me much on fitting in once I hit high school, I still had friends and I wasn’t terribly popular but I wasn’t any stupid out casted kid socially, I knew fitting in and having friends was important and for the majority of it, I tried my hardest to smile and fake being social as best I could. It was foreign to me, it wasn’t something I was good at, because of my isolation I became far too good at reading people, I have met a few people who have been similar understanding as I do, but none that have ever been quite as good at it (yet again full of myself I know). Face reading as one of my old friends told me, it’s somewhat of a gift some people are granted I think it’s a skill we develop from making it through tragic experiences in our youth and making it through it in one piece, In my case I was already someone self-dependent and I was more of an observer to people and the world and stayed in the background and studied. I am sure some people are reading this and know exactly what I am talking about, or at least think they know what I mean. Sadly I wish sometimes I wasn’t so good at it, I feel like I prevent myself from bothering with a lot of people because I know they will bore me. Don’t get me wrong I still interact and talk with people, how else would I know if my predictions and judgment of people was right or not? Sadly I am right far too often. I even break down my friends and analyze them, it’s not something I can help or control but I do it anyways, my mind goes places and drags me along for the ride. It’s crazy sometimes how simple some people are once you get to the core.

Now you’d figure being so good at figuring everyone else out I’d be a genius at putting myself together to be what everyone wanted, but see that would entitle me to being something I am not, Not that I really know who I am for certain but being what everyone else wants you to be would be completely unhealthy for anyone. Fuck. I lost my brain again; I couldn’t stop focusing on the shitty music playing in the background. Next thought bubble.

I don’t like how everyone thinks and expects me to be an asshole. I mean yes I’m good at it, and yes dumb people typically piss me off, or people take sarcasm as a form of thinking I’m better then you (which is not the case), people just judge too much and I stayed in line and fit where ever I was needed in the social pyramid. Last thing I needed is unwanted attention, But now that I’m out of high school I think it’s time for me to be who I want without the worry or judgment of others. The people in my high school are a thing of the past and I now can meet people and give them the impression I have wanted to be perceived as. But problem is I haven’t met new people, and now that I’m graduated, the whole time I worked my butt off to get out of high school and leave what I thought was a waste of my time and hell hole seems to be for nothing. I actually miss high school sometimes; I wish I would have been more social, because I lack a lot of social skills most people use today. I suck at texting, I’m not clear on how the order or fashion of who texts who and what’s weird to say and what’s not. For example texting someone what’s up generally mean you want to hang out, people like to be quick with everyone when it comes to texting, yet sometimes they just want to talk, I have a hard time deciphering the two. Or why is it these days and time you talk to a girl its considered flirting, don’t get me wrong a lot of the time it is, but lately I have just been talking to a lot of my girls who are friends to practice being involved with the female social area as well. Guy’s huge key, only having your bros and using women for nothing more than objects of sex is a huge failure on your part. Women socialize in a different way than men do, and learning this will help balance your social life a lot, and help you talk to women when it really matters. It’s like missing half of the social scene. Bottom line you need girls who are friends, stop being creepers and treating women like they are aliens.

Back to my part on flirting though, I mean I haven’t bothered to see women in that way for a month or so now. I recently got out of a marriage pretty much a pretty serious mature relationship that yet again if you haven’t been in you probably don’t understand, She was an awesome girl, I got a place with her, and we got along great, but with the way I am I get bored, and I move on a lot faster than most people cause I can see at this age how and where relationships are going to go. So after a while once I realized we had nothing more to offer each other I moved back home and left her. Cruel yes, but I think she gets it now.

Thought that brings up another reason of my unhappiness, I have been working since I was 15 to make myself money and move out of the house to only move back after my first attempt and failure. It’s not that I dislike my family but being so driven on being self-sufficient that I love to have my own space and my own place just seemed necessary. I think this is one thing I need to fix soon because living at home just doesn’t give you the drive to do much. Also being back in my boring hometown means I transferred to the local community college (I’m a college student yes) which is even less exciting because it contains a lot of lower class middle aged people who never went to college, Which doesn’t help me feel comfortable with my social life seeing all my friends are gone and I’m stuck with no one new to really expand with. Don’t get me wrong I get along great with a lot of my class mates, I guess it makes sense seeing they are older and the maturity thing but they aren’t the type id bring home to mom, asking a 45 year old man with kids my age to hang out  just doesn’t seem fitting.

I need to get out; I need to have a bit more of the social college experience, to be able to thrive a little more with people my age.

Well call this a break. I’m drunk.